untitled: 2012

untitled: 2012: I so cant wait til the new year comes.I have so much stuff to do get my ged, sign up for school, put my kid in school, find me a new place, ...

2012

I so cant wait til the new year comes.I have so much stuff to do get my ged, sign up for school, put my kid in school, find me a new place, and lose all this excess weight that I have gained from being stressed out all the damn time.Its time to work on mr i am getting entirely to old to be doing the same old shit.Its time for me to make something of myself before it really gets too late becaus i have waited to long anyway. I am so excited really I know its bout to be a long hard road ahead of me but i got what few people that still fucks with me and that i fuck with in my corner to motivate me.Which is really what i need some people in my life to keep me on my toes, keep me pointedin the right directions.No haters allowed in my life in 2012 i have had enough of them these past few years. I feel free right now because i know my goals and i know what its going to take to achieve them. Its going to be tough butits going to be worth it especially when i start making all the money.I will know my hard work has paid off  and mkaing a better future for my boy.I think thats the only reason im trying to learn to grow up is for him, my attitude well that shit will never change im going to stay an asshole, stay a bitch, stay speaking my mind pissing these pussys off that just what i do and thats just me take it or leave it. I say my prayers every night now for my future and for my boys future i hope next year, no as matter of fact i am determined to make 2012 mines by all means peace love and happyiness. And HAPPY NEW YEARS.

DONT BE MAD AT ME I DIDNT DO IT YOU DID.

So now i got people mad about what i blog about oh fucking well get over it. Its not that serious you just mad because you cant handle the truth and yo didn't expect for an outsider to be the one to point you out on being a fucking liar.Its not that serious really i don't really care if you lie i just hate for muthafuckas to lie to me.That's all I'm saying.I'm not trying to be funny at all I'm just saying how i feel.That's exactly why i couldn't let myself be as close to you as you wanted me to be couldn't let myself get caught up in the nonsense and the bullshit it just wouldn't be right at all.So you can keep on being mad it doesn't make me sad at all just wise up and understand that you got a whole lot of growing up to do and you need to hurry and get it done because you are to damn old to be out here playing these foolish ass games get it together and don't get offended its t that serious and you can call me fake if you want to it doesn't matter to me you see the difference is i can confess anything i say to you but you can bring any of your lies to the open without getting into a whole lot of trouble.Well farewell DOC. maybe one day we will be cool in the future.

MORE RANDOM SHIT

I have not been writing in a minute i been having a block i guess or maybe its the fact that i have been dealing with my anger in another way.My anger problem is starting to take over my body its starting to get to the point where i black out which is totally not good at all i try my hardest to find another way to keep a hold of it everyday.When i was younger nothing use to get to me u would have to climb my scale and my scale was high.Now my scale is short as hell and any and everything gets to me just the sound of some peoples voice or the look they have on there faces makes me angry.Its so hard to understand why i don't know what the hell be going on i my head at times.I get super bad migraines that i cant get rid of until i make myself calm all the way down.Now i got a new problem when i eat candy or anything sweet i get dizzy and light headed and i hate it.I don't want to go to the doctor I'm scared they gone tell me I'm dieing and most of the time when people find out they are dieing they get sicker and when they don't know its like they stay healthy so i don't want to know if I'm dieing yet i don't think I'm ready to go yet.

SUM RANDOM SHIT

So today i was thinking about the luck i have with people it not good luck either/I was thinking that my love is a curse not just for relationships but also with friends and family.I do everything so good and i always try to keep the peace be nice loving caring nurturing everything i can be.And some how it always falls apart i really hate to get close to people really because in one way or another i end up losing them.When my cousin got killed i distanced myself away from that side of my family i love them dearly but when she passed away i think it was my last straw i really didn't want to be close to anyone else i couldn't take losing anybody else period in anyway.I know it was the wrong thing to do and i have missed out on so much.I am stuck in my ways i want to go and have the relationship i had with my family but i think its too late really.I do love and miss them dearly but i just cant bring myself to be around.The relationship that i have with my mom and my siblings i know i should be the bigger person and try to repair that but i don't think its even worth it.I use to be the favorite to everybody and my brother has always hated me for that i know it i just didn't care but now that hes been on top and now that hes everybody favorite and I'm the one that has been forgotten i think its only fair for him to have this spotlight that he has i really did need to have my time to not be thought about or cared about.I need to know how it feels because he dealt with it all his life and i never had to.I just hate the fact that i had a kid and he has to be caught up in the bullshit of everything that goes on in my life and how everything affects me.Right now hes young so he really doesn't know any better but when he gets older and sees that he really doesn't have family that wants anything to do with him then its going to be crazy hopefully this bullshit that I'm going through wont last until he gets old.I really do want my son to have the love that i had from my family when i had it.You know its so hard to live in a world where in life the only person that understands me and that listens to me is me.I have dealt with so much in my hard life that i don't even think i want people to understand me.Most of the people i know never really had the childhood they never had to struggle like i did growing up so i cant even expect the people i be around to know what i feel inside.I do just wish i ahd somebody trust worthy that i could just vent to at anytime and they would listen without judging me just listen that's all that i want a good listener I'm always the person that listens all the time but when i feel the need to talk i never have anybody that listens to me or they act like there listening and give me that i don't give a fuck look so i cut it short and move on to something else.That's why i do so much flipping in and out i got to much shit bottled in and i don't have anyone to share it with and its sad. I'm always sad so that's nothing new.I don't even remember the last time i was truly happy with everything that was going on in my life i don't even know I'm gone have o think about that.

CRAZY

Sometimes i feel so down and  out that i just want to give up on life.I really do despise life so much.Sometimes i just wonder when will it all end i be at just that point at times.I think if i wouldn't of had a kid i might have ended it a long time ago.You would think I'm all good and happy because i hide it so well, but deep down I'm really so sad and depressed.My son holds me down he keeps me together even though he also works my nerves.I keep it together just i don't never want him to see me down and crying,shit like that depresses kids and even at his young age he might think its his fault and i don't never want him to blame himself for the shit i go through in life.I just cant understand why i get so depressed all the time but i do i don't want to have to take any medications but it looks like that's my only alternative i have to do something bout this suicide that I'm feeling please pray for me.

Why do kids and stress have to be disastrous on your body.I mean i really wish i could get back to my old high school body and i still ate everything and anything i wanted and still felt and looked good.Now i got these huge sumo wrestling arms which are so disgusting and this fat ass stomach and i got one and half chins its real close to being two. I got theses thighs that rub together and clap when I'm running up and down the steps that is so terrible.I try to workout and i will go strong working out for a week or two then all of a sudden i stop.I have two majors problems one i love to eat and i love the good starchy fattening unhealthy shit.Its so delicious to me and my second problem is stress i have the worst nerves so any little thing gets to me which makes me stress and stress makes me eat.I really don't know how to find a solution to either one my problems i wish they would just go away on there own it would be so much easier to deal with.I'm guessing that one day before i get entirely to big to actually care anymore i will finally have some kind of kind of motivation medication or something to help me get this fat together because right now this is not the right stuff.Please somebody pray for me and this body.

AM I WRONG

Me and my mom had a wonderful relationship i was so spoiled.When people didnt do what i wanted them to do or didint do it as fast as i wanted i didnt get mad i just said ok im a call my momma people hated hearing me say that and ther she was to my rescue.My mom had my lil sister she was my girl my lil fifi.I did everything for her i spoiled her to death just cause  had asways wanted a sister regardless of the big age difference.Even when  left school my mom was mad but she was still there for me i moved into my first apartment she gave me her whole living room set, all my dishes everthing i never wanted or needed anything when she was around.So it was time for me to have y own child i was sohappy when i found at i was pregnant that happiness didnt last long at all.I just knew out of all people my mom would be happy to have her first grandchild but i was ever so wrong.I told my mom i was pregnant she asked me was i sure i wanted to have a baby she told me i should abort so did the father of my child i was so angry at her for not suporing me and at him for being an asshole.You see my pregnancy was not an accident it was planned so for him to say that when i he found out really devastated me.My mom never really kept in contact anymore she would call of and on not to see how i was doing but to babysit i never said no i was always willingto get my sister if i could.When i had my son she really cut off all her ties to me i think she seen hm a few times when he was a baby she never calls just to say happy birthday or how u doing nothing i cant belive how she treats my child.I didnt mean to but i guess i did take the anger for my mom neglecting my child out on the relationship i had for my sister.I stopped going around and getting her which was wrong on so many levels that was my fault.I dont think that i will get a chance to mak mends to her just because of the simple fact that my mom has already gotten into her and my brothers head and turned them against me it hurts because of the fact that i love my siblings but i do refuse to kiss ass also.Its sad that my mom can just throw her first born away lik that but i am learning to be able to get over it and stop letting it hurt me the way that it does she is the one thats missing out on both of our lives.She will realize it one day and when she does its gone really fuck her up cause i have already rid myself of her s whe she does figure it out its going to be to late its already been past late.

UNACCEPTABLE

I just wan to take a minute to talk about what is unacceptable for a minute in my eyes.First off is liars, liars are absolutely unacceptble to me.I feel that when you become grown there is no reason to lie anymore.Keep it real and tell the truth, the only person that im goin to lie to is th epolice and thats olny to keep me out of trouble,everybody else is irrevelant. I mean yes if you tellt he truth all the time peoples feelings do get hurt oh fucking well hurt feelings are apart of life. A real person mught be mad or highly upset about the truth but a real persn will also respect you way more and accept the fact that you kept it real. Cheaters why do people have to cheat whats the point its so unacceptable.If you cant be faithful then whats the point of being in a relationship in the first place.If your single you can fuck anybody you please and not have to worry about feeling bad for doing it just because you are in a relationship.All these young and old ass people having theses bad ass, ignorant, triflin, down right unruley ass kids are unacceptable.I mean you get blessed with these precious little angels and your lack of discipline, love, time and dedication turns them into little monsters that grow up to be big monsters.Dont get me wrong my child is bad not because he is lacking discipline but just cause hes a young follower he hasnt found himself yet, which is real dsgusting i cant stand a follower.If you are going todecide to have your child take care of them dont let them grow up to be ignorant and dsrespectful its not cute at all.Its like this raiseing kids like that makes them become bullys and then the child that was getting well takin care of and given the love and stability becomes the victm and thats how we get columbine all over again get it together parents at least try.Speaking of follwers brings me to my next unacceptable thing i mean what kind of person doesnt want to have there own mind to be able to think for themselves.Who likes to do what somebody else does just to fit in and how did they come to this point in their lives that they felt the need to just have to fit in.I have never fit in anywhere.My whole 27 years i have been the outcast, and it really doesnt bother me just because i know i like to be different.Being different is something you dont see in the world anymore being a homosexual isnt even classified as being different anymore.To all the followers embrace your minds your own ideas be youself because following does nothing but get you in a world of trouble.Moving on to gossiping that shit is so evil and unacceptable.Now dont get me wrong I gossip everybody does it, but personally i am trying to get that triflin shit out of my system.I dont gossip because im scared to say what i have to say to the person i gossip because im an ignorant asshole and most of the shit that comes out my mouth be very true but also with hurt a persons feeling and i try very hard to take people felling into consideration but trust and believe if  they ask i will certainly tell.Most people who gossip are haters and trouble makers.The haters are mad they dont what you got or they are not doing what you are doing.Its sad because all the energy people put in gossiping and hating could be used trying to better themselves to get where your at so they can stop hating.The touble starters just play all sides of the field.They see what they can get out of all the partys in the situation flip tha shit around to both sides then sit back and watch everything unfold. I mean who in there right mind jst likes to sit around and watc drama all the time.Somebody who is very unhappy with themselves and has nothing else to do but be an asshole.My final unaccepctable thing is not loving yourself that is totally unacceptable thats just plain dumb. You see even though that shit starts when you are a little kid you have to try and work the kinks out because nit being abe to love yourself makes you not able to really ove ayone else.People walk around with the highest self esteem. conceitedness and confidence on the outside but on the inside they are a slave to their feeings of having no self love.Woman are the worste they make all the wrong decisions they take all  the abuse emotional, physical, and verbal they allow themselves to be whores and get dogged out and its not good at all.I feel that even if you look like the scum under my shoe, you should still be able to find something good that you love about yourself and embrace it.I feel like i cant make it in the world without loving myself and even if i had somebody to love me i still wouldnt be truely able to love them wothout be able to love myself.In the end all you got is yourself

JUST PLAIN DUMB

I was in a relationship for two and half years and it was good it had its ups and downs like any relationship. He sold drugs which was a problem because he wasnt all that good at it or he was good but didnt have enough clientel so he had more down times than good times but that still didnt really bother me. I dont think our relationship started goin down hill when we moved in together that when i was getting accused of all kinds of bullshit you know any other nigga would have got the boot eith the quickness but i fell for this nigga and whats worse is he is a young ass boy so it makes it real bad. I loved him so i let him do what he do. Shit started getting crazy at my job hours started getting cut and itwas getting hard for me to keep up on my bills. Now you would think the nigga that lived with me would have had my back nope wasnt like that his mom would get her shit paid and my shit was left fr me to take care of  but dumb me made it work what a dumbass but i started getting tired of coming last but im the only person thats there for you when you need it thats bullshit i got fed up and said fuck it i let my apartent go and let go back and live with his mom. we broke up surely after that but i did learn a lesson i will not be letting anybody stay with me that cant do at least of half of everything i wont not love let my love for a person cloud my judgements anymore dick aint even worth all the stress i ca fuck myself if need be. men take better care of home especially when yo gt a down ass bitch by you side its best for you to do all the good you can do cause when its gone and they truelyget fed up you really got a problem on your hands.

IF I COULD CHANGE ONE THING.

If i could change one thing in my life it would be the death of my cousin Shauna.Shawna was my favorite person in the world and even though sometimes she got on my nerves I still loved her so much, she was always there for me.I can remember my uncle made me and my brother stay away from my cousin and my aunt, we couldnt go see them because he was jealous of the relatonship we had with them.We liked being with them more tha we liked being with him.I was at school one day and i got stung by a bee my arm swole up and turned red even though i wasnt supose to i called my cousin she came to my school picked me up early and took me to childrens they told me i was allergic to bees and they gace me sum benadryl. she had to get me back home before my uncle got there so i really wasnt able to spend that much time with her but that little time did mean alot to me.iI didnt want her to take me home i wanted to run away and go with her.Weeks went pass i started getting more and more depressed, i decided that i was done being miserable and unhappy. I took my whole box of benadryl and some tylenol pms wrote me a suicide letter and laid in my bed waitng on my pills to kick in i was ready to meet my maker or maybe the devil since i did just try to take my own life.All of a sudden i heard a voice calling my name on the side of my house it was Shauna i was so happy i lit up, i was ready for life again. She took me and my brother with her my uncle came lookimg for us but he didnt find us i really think he knew that we  were with her and my aunt but he caught up with us the next day at school. We had a meeting in the couselors office the counselor talked him into letting us start going back to my aunts.I was so happy again but pretty soon all that changed when my mom came home from prison it diidnt happen as soon as she got out but it did happen eventually she got tired of the bonds me and my brother had with people and not her and she decided to keep us away.I had to skip school or pretend that i had a job interview just so i can go see my cousin.I can remember it like it was yesterday i turned 18 august 3rd 2002 and a day after that i had this bad dream that somebody was going to kill my cousin now i know what you may think everybody says they had a dream bout something and they know they didnt but i really did have one and i told my lil cousin bout it and that i had to go see my cousin shauna. Well the weekend came and i was spending the night at my lil cousind house and we decided to catch the bus to rias thats what i called shauna. When we got there my cousin wasnt there so i told my aunt to tell shauna i came by, all i wanted to do was see her since I was 18 i was allowed to now and my mom couldnt say anything about it.So i left me and my lil cousin decided to go to the river that night its where we go to clear our head its so beautiful at nght.We ha da ball we got back to the house pretty late so when i got woke up at 8 in the moring i was highly upset. My mom was calling telling me to get up and get dressed that my friend keanna was on her way to come and get me so i was mad geeting ready and all of a sudden i just stopped and thought what if i something happend to my cousins i felt it was something wrong but i really didint know yet. When i got downstairs my mom called me back and told me that my cousin had just got killed i broke down crying i ahd never been more devastated in my life a piece of me died that dayand its still dead. she was on the 11 oclock news the night when it happend and my hot ass was at the river i missed everything.I was so mad i wasnt able to warn her see her hug her anything. I wish i wouldnt have left i should of waited for her to get there> I seen that shit to her in my dreams and in my heart i feel like i could of prevented it from happening to her. I will always live with that in my heart.I will also alays hold a grudge against my mom from keeping me away for so long making me miss out on so much time with her just because of jealousy. Its sad that as soon as i was able to see her she gt killed 6 freakin days after my 18th birthday.I havenvt forgiven my mom for that and its been nine years of unhappiness. I dropped out of school just didnt care anymore i got kicked out my moms house i just started to give up.Now at my old im tryning to but the pieces back together im tryinng to get it together. If i could change one thing in the world it would be the death of Lashauna Lauderdale Love YOU cuz REST IN PEACE.

the curse

i have been cursed withthe meaning of my name. raheema means to give and i am so sad that my mom named m raheema.its so terrible i mean how could she do me so bad, she should hve done her research before she decided to name me this bullshit.i am the most giving persn in the world if you asked me for my heart and if i could do it i would cut it out and give it to you just so u could live.i dont know how to say no and people really take advantage of my kindness its so terrible but still i am so nice. even though i know they use my kidness for a weakness its still so hard to change just because i like when people are happy even though it leaves me fucked up inside.i dont know how to deal with unhappiness in people cause i have dealt with being unhappy all my life therefore i dont want anybody to have to feel that way.i just wish people didint take advantage of me but in  the end i do always come out on top, because those that do take advantage of me and decide to do me wrong always have bad shit come to them.i feel i have been cursed in two way im cursed myself and i also curse others who decide to do me wrong

stop it

stop the madness and the fakeness stop all the nonsense that makes you grown ass people look like lil ass kids.stop all the talking behind muthafuckas backs if yo ass is to scared to to say it to a persons face than yo ass shouldnt be sayn that shit at all.everybody claims that they are so real and in all actuality there is nobody thats really real in this whole damn world not anything thats a human being its ridiculous how fake people are its so sad that there is nobody that you can trust to talk to nobody you can be faithful to nobody you can really love.its sad that in reality even with all the people you be around and kick it with you really only have you. you are the only person you can believe trust in love cherrish. you are your only friend its only you that in your corner start thinkn alittle bit more about you and say fuck all the extra shit around you

lonely

lonliness is the saddest thing i hae ever felt yearning needing wanting to be held, loved, kissed, carressed. where did it go how do i get it back i miss it so much im sad its out my rech. i feel so sad inside i dont know why  i try to keep a game face on the outside and be so weak on the inside it hurts so bad. its not only a mans love i yearn for but its the love of family and friends its so tiring tryimg to keep up this charade paradeing around like i dont give a fuck when deep inside i do i o care i am sad im not proud and i do hurt so bad. its strange the only way i can truely express myself is though pen and paper its the only thing that doesnt judge cantget offended or catch an attitude its my lifeline to the world its what i do best its the only time i dont feel so bad when i say what i feel. somtimes i fel my loneliness go away but its not for long it always comes back. i try to surpress it i cant express it its loneliness the only thing i know.

what happens when death becomes her

have you ever just stopped to think that this is actually real life that you are living and that one day you are doing to die. i think bout it all the time and i have no problem with being dead one day my problem is wondering if there really is an afterlife whether its heaven or hell will my soul really be going somewhere besides being six feet in a whole im just scared that theres no afterlife and i wont be able to look down and watch out for the ones i loved and left being is there rebirth and dieing doesnt bother me its the affects of what happens after that gets to me.

im feeln some kind of way

sotions that came out talkd to the ex tonite and there was alot of feelings and emotions that came out really trippn bout how  i act in a relationship i need more practice inn caring bout others feelings and realizing that what i do affects both partys im really tryn to change and grow as a woman he just told mme some words of wisdom that i really need to take into affect for my future relationships got to get it together