SUM RANDOM SHIT

So today i was thinking about the luck i have with people it not good luck either/I was thinking that my love is a curse not just for relationships but also with friends and family.I do everything so good and i always try to keep the peace be nice loving caring nurturing everything i can be.And some how it always falls apart i really hate to get close to people really because in one way or another i end up losing them.When my cousin got killed i distanced myself away from that side of my family i love them dearly but when she passed away i think it was my last straw i really didn't want to be close to anyone else i couldn't take losing anybody else period in anyway.I know it was the wrong thing to do and i have missed out on so much.I am stuck in my ways i want to go and have the relationship i had with my family but i think its too late really.I do love and miss them dearly but i just cant bring myself to be around.The relationship that i have with my mom and my siblings i know i should be the bigger person and try to repair that but i don't think its even worth it.I use to be the favorite to everybody and my brother has always hated me for that i know it i just didn't care but now that hes been on top and now that hes everybody favorite and I'm the one that has been forgotten i think its only fair for him to have this spotlight that he has i really did need to have my time to not be thought about or cared about.I need to know how it feels because he dealt with it all his life and i never had to.I just hate the fact that i had a kid and he has to be caught up in the bullshit of everything that goes on in my life and how everything affects me.Right now hes young so he really doesn't know any better but when he gets older and sees that he really doesn't have family that wants anything to do with him then its going to be crazy hopefully this bullshit that I'm going through wont last until he gets old.I really do want my son to have the love that i had from my family when i had it.You know its so hard to live in a world where in life the only person that understands me and that listens to me is me.I have dealt with so much in my hard life that i don't even think i want people to understand me.Most of the people i know never really had the childhood they never had to struggle like i did growing up so i cant even expect the people i be around to know what i feel inside.I do just wish i ahd somebody trust worthy that i could just vent to at anytime and they would listen without judging me just listen that's all that i want a good listener I'm always the person that listens all the time but when i feel the need to talk i never have anybody that listens to me or they act like there listening and give me that i don't give a fuck look so i cut it short and move on to something else.That's why i do so much flipping in and out i got to much shit bottled in and i don't have anyone to share it with and its sad. I'm always sad so that's nothing new.I don't even remember the last time i was truly happy with everything that was going on in my life i don't even know I'm gone have o think about that.