trying something new

well i have been trying to turn my life around yesterday i went to church and it felt really good i am so not bout to get churchy but i do know that i have to get my mind and life right.I started my ged classes i am pretty happy about that what i am not happy about is how much time it is going to take me to get that damn math together i really need a tutor its getting real out here and i am learning to think before i speak which is so hard to do but i now know that everybody cant take the truth i must hang around a whole lot a fake people soon as i be real people get an attitiude but oh well if you dont want to here my feedback to the problems that you are bringin to me then keep that shit to yourself. I am noticing alot of fake shit going on now that i am trying to clear my mind and its hurtful but its also good to be able to open my eyes from being blind for so long so i am happy that my mind is getting clear. I am also trying to stop drinking which is going to be hard since its what i use to keep me from going in people mouth now when people piss me off and lord knows that happens so often im a just have to say a prayer for my sanity for my anger not to come over me and seriously hurt somebody. I have to learn to just enjoy life and tkae whatever i can get out of it. somebody told me i ahd to much pride just because i rather struggle aand stress that to ask for something and i ahte to break pride down people say that word and they dont know the true meaning of it and i am having offended by that comment i dont have to much pride i just know that i dont have anybody that is truely in my corner to ask for anything they call it pride i call it not wasting time or breath well in these days, weeks ,and months hopefully i will grow to be a better me im hoping for pray for me good day

the struggle to keep my faith

i have always tryed to be the best i can be and do the best i can do but right now in these days weeks and months that have passed its so hard to keep my faith its so hard to keep telling myself that everythings going to be alright everything will fall in place im going to make it through the day, its getting real real out here and i think im breaking down i feel that im letting the devil take over my body and im getting so close to giving up. the devil is really on my back breathing on my spine trying to break me down and im trying so hard to keep my faith u see everything i try to do right there he is fuckin it up for me i went to a job interview thinking i was bout to get my second job i was so excited but they sent me an email and told me they went with their other choice i was so disappointed scratch that i am disappointed please help me keep my faith for i fear something terrible will happen if i let this devil in my body im trying my hardest to stay positive which is why he is really riding me im trying so hard to change my life around for the better thats why he wants to taste my blood he doesnt want me to succeed he wants me to stay by his side but im not going to be able to do it i will just be with nothing before i let the devil break me the faith i got it and im trying my hardest to keep it.

so this 2012 is so not going the way i wanted it to go i have fucked up so much in these three months i dont know what to do with myself.all i can do is look at myself in disgust im a sad as person and i really need to get my shit together i am getting to old to be doing the same old nonsense that i use to do i cant save money i really think i have a spending problem and i just spend money on bullshit it ridiculous i really got to try to find a person to sit and help me with my spenind issues this shit is really getting out of hand. i really dont have alot of good things to say about my year so far only that im still breating and trying to maintain thats other than that i am really lost on where i went wrong and why i made the decisions that i made this year i was supose to be in a new place didnt go through with thats i was supose to have a new car i did get that got a super high ass note that goes with that too. i was supose to go back to school my mind hasnt even thought about that the devil is on my back rididng the shit out of and im just letting it happen i feel so ashamed and worthless i really got to do better or im going to be drowning in debt and be checked in the mental ward at the hospital its getting bad out here wish me luck world.

so as i am coming into this year is see there is people that i use to be cool with last year trying to cause problems for me sitting up making up all kinds of fucking lies and trying to put the shit on me.now i thought i only hung around adults and real ass people because thats what i am but every one in a while a damn snake sneeks up on you and sheds there skin and shows what they can really do. oh yea thats what they called me a snake and it was the other way around. now yall putting this bullshit in these people heads and then yoy want to go run and hide and still keep talking shit behind my back. thats the difference between me and yall i have know problem what so ever saying whatever the hell io want to say whenever i want to say it and thats what scares yall you tink im goignt o say something real bad i like the fear yall ahve in your body its the best no matter how bad yall try to make me be the bad person i know you fear me and its to cute. all im saying is this i am 27 years old i have other things to be worried about other than the yall you all are the last thing thats on my mind you are irrelevent to me so in not going to be on know get back type of shit imjsut going to let shit take its course because people who do wring to me always get it in the end i am to good of a person to get played with i dont have to do anything i let karma take its course im so glad i have grown up because i was hot mad so pissed off ready to ride down on a muthafucka especially when i ahve been the person on your side and you lie on me like that i was ready to make it do what it do but i thought bout and said you not even worth my time but i do congratulate yall on really making my best friend for over ten years believe that i was a scandalize person you made me realize that out of all these years she doesnt even really know me and thats fucked up but its cool i am a hard person to really be able to read but i do say to yall good job for that one it just lets me know where i stand with people.but i cant blame her it did sound really good i still love you hope next time you will know that i am not that kind of person at all its just not me its not what a do .

so im at work havin fun with my workers as usual when they are not pissing me off. and all of a sudden one of my employees starts making this noise then stands up staight and falls backwards she started having a seizure i was so scared she hit her head so hard i just knew she had cracked her skull. come to find out she hadnt been takin her blood pressure pills the way she was supose to and it dropped on her which caused her to have the seizure. it just makes you want to take better care of yourself i have been slackin on my diet nowing i have a goal to meet in this next three months but im bout to get back on my game i really cant have shit like that happening to me. i still cant get the image of her falling like that out of my head she is one of my good friends so it made it even worse of an experience. i just hope i dont have to go through any health problems i would be devastated well every body need to get healthy be safe be smart rap it up.

shit is on my mind

so i have been having a kind of strained beginning of the year with so much to do and so little time and with alot of disappointment. so i was just about to get my second job and i lost my babysitter so now i cant have to jobs and still got to figure out what im a do with the job i got. my sons dad has been being a bitch actn like he dont want to get his seed when he is supose to. its so crazy how men get the easy way out and don really have to be there at all. im a good as mom and i really dont ask for much but for him to spend time with his son boys need a father figure in there life, now if i get out here and find my baby a new daddy his ass gone be mad as hell. i try my best to be as good of a baby momma as i can didnt file child child support even though i know that i do it all by myself i know i deserve child support but i still dont file his ass is starting to make me rethink that decision. i try my hardest not to be spiteful and ignorant but it seems like now days thats the only thing people understand. i try so hard to be all i can be for my son thats the love of my life and i know my son loves his dad and im trying so hard not to take him away from the little time he has to give. i dont want to blamed for my son not having his time with his dad, but only time will tell because as he gets older he will know and understand that im really the only person right there in his corner now matter what and hopefully he will be okay with that. im not going to make anybody do anything they dont really want to do with him he is my responsibility and im just going to have to deal with the fact that my son has a dead beat dad. he didnt use to be this way i dont know if because i dont want to be back with him which it still shouldnt matter. so its just me myself and i is what my son has to the end.

a world full of pussys

i can really understand why weapons were made. i really don't think we needed them for war why couldn't they just go out and fight and the team that retreats first because they got they ass beat so bad is the losers. no we had to make weapons which don't really show how hard you are it shows how pussyare. if you need to bring a weapon to a hand fight than you are a pussy its as simple as that.all theses shootings just for anything is getting real ridiculous. i mean you cant tell how hard you are just because you got a gun anybody going to be scared of a damn gun, have muthafuckas scared of you because they can feel know that if punch they ass its going to feel like they got shot.niggas cant fight no more that's why there pussy asses pull out guns that's all they know is a weapon so they haven't even been trained to bangers which is real sad.i don't want to see a shoot out i want to see a good ass head to toe all out battle of the fists. i wish weapons were never made even the innocent gets hurt .i feel that even if its going to be crime we still don't need weapons if u want to rob the bank all you do is hit the fuckin teller with a hay maker put her ass to sleep they gone throw the damn money in the bag who wants to be put to sleep by one punch i sure don't.i just so sick and tired of watching the news and seeing so much don't on it for no reason.i mean people are getting out of fucking control for no reason just trying to put there names  out there. then they kill and run and hide but you  was the man when you did the shit then after you think about the consequences of what you did you want to hide.a real man would shoot a muthafucka and call the police on them damn selves cause they know they shot them for a reason and don't give a fuck they will own up to there time and take it like a man , but theses pussy's they gone run for as long as they can regretting tryn to be hard showing off in front of they boys. they praying everyday that they could go back and change what they have done but that shit don't work you will be caught eventually whether its by the police or another harder nigga than you in the end you will always pay for your actions. if people just would stop and think about what they do before they do it the world would be a much better place but for some reason for the the pussy's in the world a brain was put in there heads just to fill up the space those brains could of been saved for the people who actually uses them. i hope this world gets better i really do I'm starting to regret even bringing a child into this place full of pussy's and these pussy ass killers are getting younger and younger its crazy i just have to watch and shake my head and just pray everyday that my son don't grow up to be a pussy and want him to be a real man out here in these streets taking care of business. to all the pussy's out there in the world you need to go kill yourself.

so its been a long time sine i been writing i have to talk about being celibate. its ever so hard to but i have been going strong for almost a year in may. i did real good to i had to make sure i wouldn't  have sex with anybody until i was sure that i wasn't getting back with my ex now that i know I'm so over him since its been a year single also. now I'm ready to get back out and do my thang.i feel so good getting my mind and body right its a beautiful thing to be single free from all the bullshit.being celibate is a different story though especially when you are use to having sex all the time that shit is hard.that's one reason I'm giving it up well that's the only reason I'm giving it up .well lets see what 2012 brings into my life hopefully only good i refuse to put up with anybodys bullshit until next time.