2013

2013 was filled with all kinds of shit i have been trying my hardest to stay stress free but i doesnt work at allbut at least im dealing withit way better than before. i have lost some friends recently due to jealousy but hey i put it like this if you jealous cuz im happy than u wasnt really my friend in the first place.my baby daddy decided he didnt want to be a dad anymore because he didnt get any income tax money, what kind of shit is that i didnt understand that. i do everything my life revolves around work and my son so i couldnt understand thatshit was crazy.he played me making have too figure out different ways to get him back and forth to school and figure out baby sitters but i did it im getting through he sometimes get him from school and he just started back getting him on the weekends cuz i had to tell his ass i didnt owe him anything i took care of his ass for years and my son by myself he better get his fuckn life. people always wonder why am i so evil its because people make me that way they triflin ass fuck and users and i refuse to take that shit anymoreim putting my muthafuckn foot down and im not letting nobody take advantage of me anymore. imgetting to damn old to be going thru the same damn shit with the same damn people its ridiculous and im not having it anymore.im done being nice been done im bout to be a whole totslly different personthani use to be so world watch out cuz im coming thru. i onlyhave a hand full of friends left and thats all i need i cant be concerned about nobody else. my friend for years got mad at me cuz i had a male friend so she stoppped talking to me but she didnt just stop talking to me she statrted making up shit doggin me out to my other friends cuz she was jealous and she got a man which i didnt understand i have a friend u got a man so why we cant be happyfor each other but shit oh well shit happens and that just meant that all these years she wasnt really my real friend so the hell with her. oh yea and that male friend had to cut his ass loose to he was a nuthn ass nigga immature as fuck so now im back at square one again but i dont even mind im cool with it people stress me out so as long as i dont deal with people i dont have to worry bout that much stress i guess. well it has been along time and itsprobly going to be an even longer time so until next time holla.

trying something new

well i have been trying to turn my life around yesterday i went to church and it felt really good i am so not bout to get churchy but i do know that i have to get my mind and life right.I started my ged classes i am pretty happy about that what i am not happy about is how much time it is going to take me to get that damn math together i really need a tutor its getting real out here and i am learning to think before i speak which is so hard to do but i now know that everybody cant take the truth i must hang around a whole lot a fake people soon as i be real people get an attitiude but oh well if you dont want to here my feedback to the problems that you are bringin to me then keep that shit to yourself. I am noticing alot of fake shit going on now that i am trying to clear my mind and its hurtful but its also good to be able to open my eyes from being blind for so long so i am happy that my mind is getting clear. I am also trying to stop drinking which is going to be hard since its what i use to keep me from going in people mouth now when people piss me off and lord knows that happens so often im a just have to say a prayer for my sanity for my anger not to come over me and seriously hurt somebody. I have to learn to just enjoy life and tkae whatever i can get out of it. somebody told me i ahd to much pride just because i rather struggle aand stress that to ask for something and i ahte to break pride down people say that word and they dont know the true meaning of it and i am having offended by that comment i dont have to much pride i just know that i dont have anybody that is truely in my corner to ask for anything they call it pride i call it not wasting time or breath well in these days, weeks ,and months hopefully i will grow to be a better me im hoping for pray for me good day

the struggle to keep my faith

i have always tryed to be the best i can be and do the best i can do but right now in these days weeks and months that have passed its so hard to keep my faith its so hard to keep telling myself that everythings going to be alright everything will fall in place im going to make it through the day, its getting real real out here and i think im breaking down i feel that im letting the devil take over my body and im getting so close to giving up. the devil is really on my back breathing on my spine trying to break me down and im trying so hard to keep my faith u see everything i try to do right there he is fuckin it up for me i went to a job interview thinking i was bout to get my second job i was so excited but they sent me an email and told me they went with their other choice i was so disappointed scratch that i am disappointed please help me keep my faith for i fear something terrible will happen if i let this devil in my body im trying my hardest to stay positive which is why he is really riding me im trying so hard to change my life around for the better thats why he wants to taste my blood he doesnt want me to succeed he wants me to stay by his side but im not going to be able to do it i will just be with nothing before i let the devil break me the faith i got it and im trying my hardest to keep it.

so this 2012 is so not going the way i wanted it to go i have fucked up so much in these three months i dont know what to do with myself.all i can do is look at myself in disgust im a sad as person and i really need to get my shit together i am getting to old to be doing the same old nonsense that i use to do i cant save money i really think i have a spending problem and i just spend money on bullshit it ridiculous i really got to try to find a person to sit and help me with my spenind issues this shit is really getting out of hand. i really dont have alot of good things to say about my year so far only that im still breating and trying to maintain thats other than that i am really lost on where i went wrong and why i made the decisions that i made this year i was supose to be in a new place didnt go through with thats i was supose to have a new car i did get that got a super high ass note that goes with that too. i was supose to go back to school my mind hasnt even thought about that the devil is on my back rididng the shit out of and im just letting it happen i feel so ashamed and worthless i really got to do better or im going to be drowning in debt and be checked in the mental ward at the hospital its getting bad out here wish me luck world.

so as i am coming into this year is see there is people that i use to be cool with last year trying to cause problems for me sitting up making up all kinds of fucking lies and trying to put the shit on me.now i thought i only hung around adults and real ass people because thats what i am but every one in a while a damn snake sneeks up on you and sheds there skin and shows what they can really do. oh yea thats what they called me a snake and it was the other way around. now yall putting this bullshit in these people heads and then yoy want to go run and hide and still keep talking shit behind my back. thats the difference between me and yall i have know problem what so ever saying whatever the hell io want to say whenever i want to say it and thats what scares yall you tink im goignt o say something real bad i like the fear yall ahve in your body its the best no matter how bad yall try to make me be the bad person i know you fear me and its to cute. all im saying is this i am 27 years old i have other things to be worried about other than the yall you all are the last thing thats on my mind you are irrelevent to me so in not going to be on know get back type of shit imjsut going to let shit take its course because people who do wring to me always get it in the end i am to good of a person to get played with i dont have to do anything i let karma take its course im so glad i have grown up because i was hot mad so pissed off ready to ride down on a muthafucka especially when i ahve been the person on your side and you lie on me like that i was ready to make it do what it do but i thought bout and said you not even worth my time but i do congratulate yall on really making my best friend for over ten years believe that i was a scandalize person you made me realize that out of all these years she doesnt even really know me and thats fucked up but its cool i am a hard person to really be able to read but i do say to yall good job for that one it just lets me know where i stand with people.but i cant blame her it did sound really good i still love you hope next time you will know that i am not that kind of person at all its just not me its not what a do .

so im at work havin fun with my workers as usual when they are not pissing me off. and all of a sudden one of my employees starts making this noise then stands up staight and falls backwards she started having a seizure i was so scared she hit her head so hard i just knew she had cracked her skull. come to find out she hadnt been takin her blood pressure pills the way she was supose to and it dropped on her which caused her to have the seizure. it just makes you want to take better care of yourself i have been slackin on my diet nowing i have a goal to meet in this next three months but im bout to get back on my game i really cant have shit like that happening to me. i still cant get the image of her falling like that out of my head she is one of my good friends so it made it even worse of an experience. i just hope i dont have to go through any health problems i would be devastated well every body need to get healthy be safe be smart rap it up.

shit is on my mind

so i have been having a kind of strained beginning of the year with so much to do and so little time and with alot of disappointment. so i was just about to get my second job and i lost my babysitter so now i cant have to jobs and still got to figure out what im a do with the job i got. my sons dad has been being a bitch actn like he dont want to get his seed when he is supose to. its so crazy how men get the easy way out and don really have to be there at all. im a good as mom and i really dont ask for much but for him to spend time with his son boys need a father figure in there life, now if i get out here and find my baby a new daddy his ass gone be mad as hell. i try my best to be as good of a baby momma as i can didnt file child child support even though i know that i do it all by myself i know i deserve child support but i still dont file his ass is starting to make me rethink that decision. i try my hardest not to be spiteful and ignorant but it seems like now days thats the only thing people understand. i try so hard to be all i can be for my son thats the love of my life and i know my son loves his dad and im trying so hard not to take him away from the little time he has to give. i dont want to blamed for my son not having his time with his dad, but only time will tell because as he gets older he will know and understand that im really the only person right there in his corner now matter what and hopefully he will be okay with that. im not going to make anybody do anything they dont really want to do with him he is my responsibility and im just going to have to deal with the fact that my son has a dead beat dad. he didnt use to be this way i dont know if because i dont want to be back with him which it still shouldnt matter. so its just me myself and i is what my son has to the end.